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Nash Article 1 Nash Article 2
Question:
Dear Nash,
I have a friend who has a cop car, which his cheating ex-girlfriend gave
him. It is still not in his name; so I have been trying to convince him
to borrow a twelve gauge shot gun and drive around on a moonless night
with a wig on and shoot random bystanders as a ploy to seek revenge on
his ex.
The catch is I will need to be screwing her when he is running amuck
and ditching the car in a Wal-Mart.
You see, I need to destroy her possibility of having an alibi, and give her a nice STD in the process.
The problem is my friend is a real pussy. First off, he does not want to
go around killing because he fears that he will shoot a child (he lost
his
youngest brother in a similar ploy of reckless relationships gone sour).
Second, he is not to keen on me sleeping with her; something about
friends
don't let friends share girls.
So essentially what I am asking is, how
can I convince my friend to follow through with this foolproof plan?
-m
P.S. I am not gay and I am not looking to push my friend's ex out of the
picture so we can relive our youthful days as a pilot and co-pilot in
the Navy.
Answer:
Dear Sailor,
Your problem is indeed a convoluted and serious one. Fortunately for
you, however, I receive so many of these faggy little bullshit stories
from people in the Navy that I know exactly what to do with yours.
Before we get to that, however, I would like to make a few things clear
for you:
1-Of course your friend is a pussy. He was a Navy pilot and you fucked
his ass. Furthermore, I can tell that you two idiots flew an A-6
intruder, one of the only planes in which the pilot and bombardier sit
side by side instead of one behind the other. And yes, I know that if
you spit into your oxygen mask and put it on your buddy's dick, it gives
a wild blow job. I'm not a fool. I'm not an ingenue. I know your kind.
2-Since you were in the Navy, I'll give you a little slack, but, as any
moderately retarded child from Biloxi could tell you, your "plan" is
anything but "foolproof." Firstly, in this ridiculous scenario, why the
hell is it important for your buddy to be wearing a wig?? What kind of
weird founding fathers fantasy did you two concoct on those long hours of
night flying over the arab countries?? And please, don't write in with a
response to that, I don't have the fortitude to deal with it. Also, your
screwing his "cheating" ex-girlfriend GIVES her an alibi, you idiot, it
doesn't prevent her from having one. Thirdly, I'm sure she has all of
your STD's already if she was fucking your buddy. Fourth, that bit about
your buddy not wanting to kill is bullshit. I know goddamn well that he
blew a wad into your mouth every time one of those 500 lb. bombs smashed
into an elementary school.
3-Since you wrote in, it's my duty to let you in on a little secret: I
know that there is no ex-girlfriend. (Once a high flyer, always a high
flyer.) Secondly, Sailor, I know that when you say Ex-girlfriend, you're
really talking about some expensive masturbation doll from which your
little boyfriend has gotten tired of cleaning your sweat and pubic hair.
And finally, I know also that this little fantasy of yours doesn't have
anything to do with any of these people, real or imaginary. You want to
know why?? Because it's important for your buddy to be wearing a wig and
it's important for him to smash his "cop car" into a Wal-Mart. As soon
as I saw these two things together, the whole thing made sense. You want
symbolic revenge on your uncle: the man who dressed like your mother and
deflowered you in the stock room of the Wal-Mart in Jackson,
Mississippi. As a little boy, you cried and cried and waited for your
father, the sherriff, to come blazing into that room and kill that
bastard uncle of yours, kill everybody BUT YOU, ("he's afraid of killing
a child") but daddy was busy screwing, who else, your aunt. Look, I'm
sorry that the trauma of your childhood made you join the navy, I'm sorry
that your pilot won't enact your sick fantasy of fatherhood, and I'm
sorry that I can't lie to you and tell you that everything will be fine,
fine, fine. Because everything will not be fine. You will never be
happy. You will never get back at your uncle, no matter how many little
boys your screw, and if you keep this shit up with the Wal-Mart fantasy,
you're going to lose that only decent thing you've ever had; your pilot.
You wanted advice? Here it is: Stop writing to people who are smarter
than you with these idiotic fantasies. They're not even entertaining.
Stop thinking that you're still a little boy. Your weakness makes me
want to puke in your fucking face. And finally, stop bothering everyone
with your infantile drivel, you worm.
JTNASH
Question:
Dear mr nash
There is a gay guy trying to take me up the ring-peice and his name is d____ p____. I have no idea what to do can you please help me?
From Person that dosent like gay people
Answer:
Dear PTDLGP,
Person who doesn't like gay people?? Jesus! Is this Jesse Helms??? Well, Jesse, I thought it was bad enough when you publicly voted against the Martin Luther King Holiday, (Note how racist you have to be to not take a day off from work....) but I never thought that you would turn on your own people, the gays. First of all, your friend D____ P____ is, I'm sure, none other than Trent Lott. Although you people think we don't know what's going on, the entire country has seen video after video of your freaky, nitrous-huffing-gold-body-painted-monkey-rubbing free-for-all on the Senate floor with the janitors and the D.C. schoolchildren. Don't play that babe in the woods shit with me...
So, you say that your friend D____ (aka Trent Lott) wants to screw your ass?? Why would that make today any different from any other day of your life?? Did Mr. Lott do something naughty with one of the pool boys without your permission?? IS your prostate failing so badly that you can't get it up long enough to pop one in Mr. Lott's ass anymore?
While I may sympathize with the pain that has surely been caused by your erectile dysfunction and Mr. Lott's resultant cheating, I will kindly avoid the Sweet Valley High sentiment that lies therein and give you another, far more important piece of advice: Don't turn your back on your gay bretheren just because you saw your boyfriend give it to a guatemalan kid at the Y.M.C.A. You are not exactly a young man, Jesse, and by denouncing gays at the end of your life, you can be assured that you will die a lonely, lonely man. Call Mr. Lott, tell him to come over. When he does, open a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio, put in a Sally Fields movie, and crush and snort some Viagra. Give Mr. Lott a reason not to dither with immigrants.
JTNash
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